Dumb Crooks: My Hardboiled Story for the Week

So this guy tries to bust in our house right? He's looking for something quick and easy to turn into cash, electronics, dvds, anything. Maybe he has a habit. Don't know. I didn't ask. So he breaks the back window and tries to push the door open. It won't budge. What the poor schmuck doesn't understand is the hippies who live in the house pile up the recycling there. The crash of carefully sorted glass, plastics and cans falling down, wakes me up in the dawn.

Goddammit, I think stomping down the stairs. I told JJ not to make a leggo project of it. So I'm stomping down cursing under my breathe when the door opens. The front door. I didn't turn any light on yet, so all I see is a short squat shadow that freezes in the dark.

I flip the switch and see the sorriest excuse for a burglar. No man of mystery this one. The ripped jeans and ratty sweat shirt might have been dark blue at one time, but now they're just dark. But it's the traffic cone orange hat that sticks out.

He's as surprised to see me as I am to see him. Goddammit, I think; JJ left the door unlocked again. She says unlocked doors bring more joy into the home. If she could only see "traffic cone" head. But she's gone to her BF house so I'm left to deal with the "joy". Oh joy.

I'm too tired and annoyed to be scared. Besides the clown starts to sway on his feet and act like he's drunk before sitting on the couch to look harmless. Something about that rings a bell, but I can't hear it too well. Stomping back up stairs I call the cops who act like it's an international emergency. Maybe they could see "traffic cone" hat all the way downtown. It was bright enough. "No I don't feel unsafe; just get here!" I grouse. As I hang up I hear the door open and shut. He's gone.

When the cop arrive I give them the best description I have which isn't good. The jerk's face was shadowed. But I couldn't forget that glowing hat. And what do you know--after a walk around the block and a quick check into the local 7/11, they collar "traffic cone" hat guy who I could ID with my eyes closed in a dark room.

Then I'm walking the cops through the scene when I see it on the couch: the three dvd players JJ's brother left right where the burglar sat down! He either sat on them or by them , but he wasn't bright enough or quick enough to grab the goods before he escaped, however briefly.

Not that I'm complaining. He's not either; all he's got is breaking and entering. It'll go on his record but he'll probably walk the next day. No big; all I lost was some sleep.

After the cops left I wrote this, had a shot of ginger brew, then I went back to bed.

Moral of the story: if you're going to be a burglar, don't wear international orange on the job.